APLIKASI CHAT
Friday, June 21, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Why Men Do Crazy Things
Why Men Do Crazy
Things Photo: Geof Kern
Was it true, as his father suggested, that he had the brains of a squirrel...or was there a deeper reason for lying down on a busy airport runway? Jim Shepard tries to explain...
How stupid were my friends and I, growing up in Lordship? It goes without saying that we were unsupervised (in the early '60s, most parents—at least mine—expected their kids, once past the age of, say, 7, to disappear on nice Connecticut Saturdays, and not return until dinnertime), and in that unsupervised state, it fell to us to keep ourselves entertained. We always came up with something. And all of it fell into two categories: things that were stupid and things that would have been fine, had they not been done stupidly. We gloried in the brainlessness of both. We had such an appetite for the kinds of activity that would cause a parent to despair that my father ran out of ways of insulting us, and he was easily one of the most verbally inventive people I knew. He got tired of announcing that I had the brains of a squirrel, for example, and started substituting around in the animal kingdom, and beyond: an ant, a flatworm, a walking doorknob.
Why can't you entertain yourselves the way the normal kids do? he would plead, searching for just a glimmer of reason. And we were always contrite to have upset him so much. So for a few days we would. We'd play basketball, and everyone who wore glasses would come out of the games with pince-nez or monocles. We'd play tackle football and tear shirts into court-jester-like strips and rip the knees and seats out of pants, and when none of that or none of the bloody noses and sprained ankles generated any stir, we took to playing on the empty fields above our beach, Russian Beach, with one sideline the edge of the bluffs. That lasted until two of us, Milton Harrigan and myself, caught a runner on a sweep and slung him out of bounds high out over the brambles. I remember an involuntary sound of awe on all our parts, including the runner's, as we realized just how much air he'd achieved before he experienced his Wile E. Coyote moment.
Who's "we"? Well, in my particular little pod there was probably a rotating group of six or seven kids, but three of the mainstays were my best friend and the bane of my father's existence, Jimmy Swift; my brother, John; and his best friend and the other bane of my father's existence, Kenny Swift. The Swifts and the Shepards were good friends, and Joanie, their mom, was hilarious and sharp-eyed and more or less at her wit's end when it came to her boys. Bill, their dad, I remember as hardworking enough that most of his disciplining occurred long after my brother and I had to go home for the evening.
My father was a worrier, and perhaps because of that he had an invincible need to believe that his sons weren't psychotics; that the Swifts were the problematic influences. It wasn't a bad theory—they almost always had better ideas than we did, in terms of the sheer inventiveness of the havoc—but adults always tended to overestimate the importance of the guy who came up with the idea. Sometimes you'd put forward a notion and everybody else would be more excited about it than you'd be, and they'd be the ones who made sure it happened.
However you dished out the responsibility, though, we were a precocious foursome when it came to mayhem. When we were 8 or so, without any discussion we all piled into our crabby neighbor's prized rhododendron bush, stomping it flat. He was nearly ungovernable with rage for more than a week, and we were grounded, but each of us in our private cell rode out the storm unconcerned. Less than a year later we spent an afternoon slinging marble-size rocks long distance at cars until one guy jerked his Rambler up onto the lawn, threw open his door and chased us for a good three minutes. He stalked back to his car and sat there. We hid behind some bushes, then decided we had to disguise ourselves to slip past him since we'd chosen to pelt cars from our own front yard. Kenny put his shirt on his head like a turban. I took mine off and held it behind me. You get the idea. We were grounded that time for more than twice as long as the rhododendron episode.
Where was my mother during all of this? She came from a big Italian family in Bridgeport, so she'd pretty much seen it all. Her role devolved into spending all her time trying to suggest to my father why what we'd done—whatever latest news had followed us home—was not the end of the world. And then later privately making clear to us that what we'd done was pretty stupid.
A year or two after the car stoning—my brother would have been about 14, and I would have been about 9—we were sitting in Kenny's upstairs bedroom when we heard Joanie's car pull in. Kenny and Jimmy looked stricken. It turned out that because of some other offense, they'd both been strictly forbidden from having anyone, especially us, in the house. "We have to jump out the window," Kenny told us. We all nodded and crowded up to his window. There was no "What are you, crazy?" or "Why do we have to jump out your window?" Joanie called up the stairs something like "You better not have anybody up there." Of course she'd already heard us. "Jump," Kenny urged. He jumped, hit the grass, and rolled. There were big stones bordering the little flower garden along the house, and we were glad he missed them. He yelled anyway, having, it turned out, broken his arm. Already caught and already having seen him get hurt, we all followed him out the window. Let me repeat that: Already caught and already having seen him get hurt, we all followed him out the window. The good news was that he was the only one who broke anything.
I'd have to suppose it was inevitable, then, that some of us would have developed our game of lying on the runways at Bridgeport Airport while the aircraft were coming in. The airport wasn't very big, and it still isn't, but it had a fiercely committed if understaffed security force, and that's where we got the idea. We'd been playing down the airport—that's what we called it when we roamed around in the brushy acres surrounding the thing, jumping a natural canal to see who'd be the first to land in the muck (which you also wanted to avoid because of the occasional rats)—when a yellow army surplus jeep rolled up to us; we were all piled into it and driven home. We hadn't been particularly close to the runway—maybe 70 yards?—but we were told we were being picked up because we might've gotten close to the runway. We got into a lot of trouble for that: Sikorsky Aircraft, where my father worked, had many ties to the airport, and he took seriously the notion that what his kids did in one place might impact him in the other. And so a nemesis was born: the yellow jeeps. I'm not sure the four of us even had to talk about it. It would now all be about the yellow jeeps.
We started going down there at night, and flirting with the runway's margins until we could see the headlights of the yellow jeeps fire up and head our way. Then we'd sprint for the chain-link fencing surrounding the airport—it was a few hundred yards uphill—scrabble underneath, and disappear. The jeeps started hiding in the brush to ambush us. They finally did, successfully, and the resultant punishment settled upon by our parents was so draconian in length that my brother and Kenny lost interest in the whole thing and declared themselves out of yellow-jeep-baiting business.
That left Jimmy and me, when we were finally allowed back outside. We weren't out of anything. There is a scene in a goofy Western that was sometimes on the Million Dollar Movie—John Sturges's The Magnificent Seven—in which James Coburn, handed his gun and one last chance to come to his senses by the beneficent-feeling leader of the army of Mexican banditos, says by way of explaining why he's heading back into town to fight those same eight million banditos with his six friends, "Nobody throws me my own gun and says, 'Run.' Nobody." It was like that with Jimmy and me.
We decided to lie on the runway—just short of the huge numbers of the runway designation.It was at night. We lay on our backs with our feet toward the incoming planes and our heads toward the touchdown points. Whose idea was it? I think it was mine. I'm pretty sure it was mine. We didn't tell our older brothers. I think we knew that we'd strayed into a territory even they would no longer support.
We lay there in the darkness and waited, and eventually we heard a plane and when the engine noise got loud enough and we looked, our chins on our chests, we caught the landing lights full in the face and then came the red and white running lights and the underside of the wings and fuselage and the wheels swaying below them and the whole thing thundered to the tarmac a hundred or so yards up the runway. Not that close, really. But it felt like the trailing wheels had parted our hair.
Of course the pilots would have reported us; of course the jeeps were immediately on their way. We ran all the way home. We were too happy even to shriek. We were grinning with terror, beside ourselves with gleefulness, shaking with joy. Now that, we thought, that was stupidity.
I wrote a short story about it. Years later, in graduate school, my teacher, John Hawkes, was nudging me away from the niche in which I seemed to be most comfortable—wry suburban comedy, and sensitive suburban children—and toward the weird. It was by far the most valuable instinct he helped instill in me, that instinct to ferret out and further distress the unexpected strangeness wherever it surfaced in my work. You want weirdness? I remember thinking. And I wrote an account of what we did on the runways. I made the narrator adult, and solitary, and happy with his life, because I remembered that what was most striking about what we did was the way it seemed to coexist with our everyday and mostly happy existence. In order to put pressure on the situation for the purposes of the story's dramatic development, though, my guy had resolved to move farther and farther toward the touchdown point of most aircraft: In other words, his actions were designed to become progressively more and more stupid,
This is all by way of saying that for all our gender stereotyping about the way men fetishize the rational, here's one of the more notable things about us as a group: We often seem to make bad choices. Shoot-ourselves-in-the-foot kind of choices. The kind of choices that make our loved ones cluster in little informal discussion groups afterward, trying to figure out what on earth their boy was thinking.
It's not an unimportant point. Whether we're falling off the wagon or gambling away our families' savings or having to resign the governorship, the impact we generate through those choices never goes away. My father to this day has never recovered from what he calls my night rider days. He's still waiting for the news that I've done one more calamitously stupid thing to undo all the good fortune that he feels I've enjoyed up to this point. How many other parents or wives or siblings or children are living, one way or the other, under the shadow of the very same thing?
Adult, and solitary, and happy with his life. That character of mine was a guy who cherished his intimate connections and at the same time sought to undermine them. That paradox turns out to explain a lot of seemingly inexplicable behavior. Of course we wanted to believe that the sorts of things we did as boys had nothing to do with aggression toward our parents; we loved our parents. And of course those things had everything to do with aggression. It was as if we were grateful to have been granted the space and the trust to maneuver and to screw up, if we had to, and, simultaneously, were enraged at having been left to do so: Was there really no one minding the store? Was someone really going to suggest to us that we should have agency? It made for a state of mind, familiar to so many of us, in which you take a risk and deny the risk at the same moment, out of rage. It's a way of protesting, and subverting, a feeling of individual impotence, perhaps: I'm not helpless. Look, I can shoot myself in the foot. Even at 11 or 12 or whenever I did it, when I spread myself out on that runway, a part of me found it inconceivable that one of those aircraft would touch down early and turn me into a gruesome local mystery. But the other part knew the risk and could begin to imagine the damage to those who loved me and went ahead with its activities nonetheless.
One thing that is certain is that we'll never get men to fully explain themselves on that score. That's one of the reasons the laconic is and always has been so deeply attractive to men in all genres of popular entertainment. In that same Western I mentioned earlier, The Magnificent Seven, the Mexican bandit chief asks Steve McQueen why he came back to face impossible odds: why he'd commit, cheerfully, something like virtual suicide. McQueen tells him, "Well, it's like a fellow I once knew in El Paso. One day he took all his clothes off and jumped in a mess of cactus. I asked him that same question, 'Why?'" The Mexican bandit chief says impatiently, "And...?" And McQueen smiles bemusedly and tells him, "He said it seemed to be a good idea at the
Things Photo: Geof Kern
Was it true, as his father suggested, that he had the brains of a squirrel...or was there a deeper reason for lying down on a busy airport runway? Jim Shepard tries to explain...
How stupid were my friends and I, growing up in Lordship? It goes without saying that we were unsupervised (in the early '60s, most parents—at least mine—expected their kids, once past the age of, say, 7, to disappear on nice Connecticut Saturdays, and not return until dinnertime), and in that unsupervised state, it fell to us to keep ourselves entertained. We always came up with something. And all of it fell into two categories: things that were stupid and things that would have been fine, had they not been done stupidly. We gloried in the brainlessness of both. We had such an appetite for the kinds of activity that would cause a parent to despair that my father ran out of ways of insulting us, and he was easily one of the most verbally inventive people I knew. He got tired of announcing that I had the brains of a squirrel, for example, and started substituting around in the animal kingdom, and beyond: an ant, a flatworm, a walking doorknob.
Why can't you entertain yourselves the way the normal kids do? he would plead, searching for just a glimmer of reason. And we were always contrite to have upset him so much. So for a few days we would. We'd play basketball, and everyone who wore glasses would come out of the games with pince-nez or monocles. We'd play tackle football and tear shirts into court-jester-like strips and rip the knees and seats out of pants, and when none of that or none of the bloody noses and sprained ankles generated any stir, we took to playing on the empty fields above our beach, Russian Beach, with one sideline the edge of the bluffs. That lasted until two of us, Milton Harrigan and myself, caught a runner on a sweep and slung him out of bounds high out over the brambles. I remember an involuntary sound of awe on all our parts, including the runner's, as we realized just how much air he'd achieved before he experienced his Wile E. Coyote moment.
Who's "we"? Well, in my particular little pod there was probably a rotating group of six or seven kids, but three of the mainstays were my best friend and the bane of my father's existence, Jimmy Swift; my brother, John; and his best friend and the other bane of my father's existence, Kenny Swift. The Swifts and the Shepards were good friends, and Joanie, their mom, was hilarious and sharp-eyed and more or less at her wit's end when it came to her boys. Bill, their dad, I remember as hardworking enough that most of his disciplining occurred long after my brother and I had to go home for the evening.
My father was a worrier, and perhaps because of that he had an invincible need to believe that his sons weren't psychotics; that the Swifts were the problematic influences. It wasn't a bad theory—they almost always had better ideas than we did, in terms of the sheer inventiveness of the havoc—but adults always tended to overestimate the importance of the guy who came up with the idea. Sometimes you'd put forward a notion and everybody else would be more excited about it than you'd be, and they'd be the ones who made sure it happened.
However you dished out the responsibility, though, we were a precocious foursome when it came to mayhem. When we were 8 or so, without any discussion we all piled into our crabby neighbor's prized rhododendron bush, stomping it flat. He was nearly ungovernable with rage for more than a week, and we were grounded, but each of us in our private cell rode out the storm unconcerned. Less than a year later we spent an afternoon slinging marble-size rocks long distance at cars until one guy jerked his Rambler up onto the lawn, threw open his door and chased us for a good three minutes. He stalked back to his car and sat there. We hid behind some bushes, then decided we had to disguise ourselves to slip past him since we'd chosen to pelt cars from our own front yard. Kenny put his shirt on his head like a turban. I took mine off and held it behind me. You get the idea. We were grounded that time for more than twice as long as the rhododendron episode.
Where was my mother during all of this? She came from a big Italian family in Bridgeport, so she'd pretty much seen it all. Her role devolved into spending all her time trying to suggest to my father why what we'd done—whatever latest news had followed us home—was not the end of the world. And then later privately making clear to us that what we'd done was pretty stupid.
A year or two after the car stoning—my brother would have been about 14, and I would have been about 9—we were sitting in Kenny's upstairs bedroom when we heard Joanie's car pull in. Kenny and Jimmy looked stricken. It turned out that because of some other offense, they'd both been strictly forbidden from having anyone, especially us, in the house. "We have to jump out the window," Kenny told us. We all nodded and crowded up to his window. There was no "What are you, crazy?" or "Why do we have to jump out your window?" Joanie called up the stairs something like "You better not have anybody up there." Of course she'd already heard us. "Jump," Kenny urged. He jumped, hit the grass, and rolled. There were big stones bordering the little flower garden along the house, and we were glad he missed them. He yelled anyway, having, it turned out, broken his arm. Already caught and already having seen him get hurt, we all followed him out the window. Let me repeat that: Already caught and already having seen him get hurt, we all followed him out the window. The good news was that he was the only one who broke anything.
I'd have to suppose it was inevitable, then, that some of us would have developed our game of lying on the runways at Bridgeport Airport while the aircraft were coming in. The airport wasn't very big, and it still isn't, but it had a fiercely committed if understaffed security force, and that's where we got the idea. We'd been playing down the airport—that's what we called it when we roamed around in the brushy acres surrounding the thing, jumping a natural canal to see who'd be the first to land in the muck (which you also wanted to avoid because of the occasional rats)—when a yellow army surplus jeep rolled up to us; we were all piled into it and driven home. We hadn't been particularly close to the runway—maybe 70 yards?—but we were told we were being picked up because we might've gotten close to the runway. We got into a lot of trouble for that: Sikorsky Aircraft, where my father worked, had many ties to the airport, and he took seriously the notion that what his kids did in one place might impact him in the other. And so a nemesis was born: the yellow jeeps. I'm not sure the four of us even had to talk about it. It would now all be about the yellow jeeps.
We started going down there at night, and flirting with the runway's margins until we could see the headlights of the yellow jeeps fire up and head our way. Then we'd sprint for the chain-link fencing surrounding the airport—it was a few hundred yards uphill—scrabble underneath, and disappear. The jeeps started hiding in the brush to ambush us. They finally did, successfully, and the resultant punishment settled upon by our parents was so draconian in length that my brother and Kenny lost interest in the whole thing and declared themselves out of yellow-jeep-baiting business.
That left Jimmy and me, when we were finally allowed back outside. We weren't out of anything. There is a scene in a goofy Western that was sometimes on the Million Dollar Movie—John Sturges's The Magnificent Seven—in which James Coburn, handed his gun and one last chance to come to his senses by the beneficent-feeling leader of the army of Mexican banditos, says by way of explaining why he's heading back into town to fight those same eight million banditos with his six friends, "Nobody throws me my own gun and says, 'Run.' Nobody." It was like that with Jimmy and me.
We decided to lie on the runway—just short of the huge numbers of the runway designation.It was at night. We lay on our backs with our feet toward the incoming planes and our heads toward the touchdown points. Whose idea was it? I think it was mine. I'm pretty sure it was mine. We didn't tell our older brothers. I think we knew that we'd strayed into a territory even they would no longer support.
We lay there in the darkness and waited, and eventually we heard a plane and when the engine noise got loud enough and we looked, our chins on our chests, we caught the landing lights full in the face and then came the red and white running lights and the underside of the wings and fuselage and the wheels swaying below them and the whole thing thundered to the tarmac a hundred or so yards up the runway. Not that close, really. But it felt like the trailing wheels had parted our hair.
Of course the pilots would have reported us; of course the jeeps were immediately on their way. We ran all the way home. We were too happy even to shriek. We were grinning with terror, beside ourselves with gleefulness, shaking with joy. Now that, we thought, that was stupidity.
I wrote a short story about it. Years later, in graduate school, my teacher, John Hawkes, was nudging me away from the niche in which I seemed to be most comfortable—wry suburban comedy, and sensitive suburban children—and toward the weird. It was by far the most valuable instinct he helped instill in me, that instinct to ferret out and further distress the unexpected strangeness wherever it surfaced in my work. You want weirdness? I remember thinking. And I wrote an account of what we did on the runways. I made the narrator adult, and solitary, and happy with his life, because I remembered that what was most striking about what we did was the way it seemed to coexist with our everyday and mostly happy existence. In order to put pressure on the situation for the purposes of the story's dramatic development, though, my guy had resolved to move farther and farther toward the touchdown point of most aircraft: In other words, his actions were designed to become progressively more and more stupid,
This is all by way of saying that for all our gender stereotyping about the way men fetishize the rational, here's one of the more notable things about us as a group: We often seem to make bad choices. Shoot-ourselves-in-the-foot kind of choices. The kind of choices that make our loved ones cluster in little informal discussion groups afterward, trying to figure out what on earth their boy was thinking.
It's not an unimportant point. Whether we're falling off the wagon or gambling away our families' savings or having to resign the governorship, the impact we generate through those choices never goes away. My father to this day has never recovered from what he calls my night rider days. He's still waiting for the news that I've done one more calamitously stupid thing to undo all the good fortune that he feels I've enjoyed up to this point. How many other parents or wives or siblings or children are living, one way or the other, under the shadow of the very same thing?
Adult, and solitary, and happy with his life. That character of mine was a guy who cherished his intimate connections and at the same time sought to undermine them. That paradox turns out to explain a lot of seemingly inexplicable behavior. Of course we wanted to believe that the sorts of things we did as boys had nothing to do with aggression toward our parents; we loved our parents. And of course those things had everything to do with aggression. It was as if we were grateful to have been granted the space and the trust to maneuver and to screw up, if we had to, and, simultaneously, were enraged at having been left to do so: Was there really no one minding the store? Was someone really going to suggest to us that we should have agency? It made for a state of mind, familiar to so many of us, in which you take a risk and deny the risk at the same moment, out of rage. It's a way of protesting, and subverting, a feeling of individual impotence, perhaps: I'm not helpless. Look, I can shoot myself in the foot. Even at 11 or 12 or whenever I did it, when I spread myself out on that runway, a part of me found it inconceivable that one of those aircraft would touch down early and turn me into a gruesome local mystery. But the other part knew the risk and could begin to imagine the damage to those who loved me and went ahead with its activities nonetheless.
One thing that is certain is that we'll never get men to fully explain themselves on that score. That's one of the reasons the laconic is and always has been so deeply attractive to men in all genres of popular entertainment. In that same Western I mentioned earlier, The Magnificent Seven, the Mexican bandit chief asks Steve McQueen why he came back to face impossible odds: why he'd commit, cheerfully, something like virtual suicide. McQueen tells him, "Well, it's like a fellow I once knew in El Paso. One day he took all his clothes off and jumped in a mess of cactus. I asked him that same question, 'Why?'" The Mexican bandit chief says impatiently, "And...?" And McQueen smiles bemusedly and tells him, "He said it seemed to be a good idea at the
Birth Control - Choosing a Birth Control Method
With so many methods available and so many factors to consider, choosing birth control can be difficult. You may be able to decide on a method by asking yourself the following questions.
Might I want to have a biological child in the future?
One of your first considerations might be to determine whether you want permanent or temporary birth control. In other words, you should consider whether you want to conceive any (or more) children. This is a decision that will affect the rest of your life and can be made only after thinking it through carefully.
Recommended Related to Birth Control
Long-Term Birth Control: New Implants and Patches
Birth control pills aren't for everyone. If you've forgotten your pills too many times -- or can't take them -- there are plenty of options. The birth control patch (Ortho Evra), vaginal ring (NuvaRing), and three types of birth control implants (Mirena, Implanon, and Essure) offer long-term birth control that is virtually hassle-free for months, years, or forever. If pregnancy is still a future possibility for you, make your choice carefully. With Ortho Evra, NuvaRing, and Mirena, fertility...
Read the Long-Term Birth Control: New Implants and Patches article > >
If you know that you will not ever want to conceive a pregnancy, tubal ligation or tubal implants for you or a vasectomy for your partner is a reasonable option to consider.
If you are not sure about the future even though you know how you feel now, a temporary method is a better choice. If you are young, have few or no children, are choosing sterilization because your partner wants it, or think it will solve money or relationship problems, you may regret your decision later.
How would an unplanned pregnancy affect my life?
If an unplanned pregnancy would seriously impact your plans for the future, choose a birth control method that is highly effective. Or if you have a stable relationship and income and plan to have children in the future anyway, you may feel comfortable using a less reliable method.
How effective are different types of birth control?
Consider how important it is to you to avoid pregnancy, and then look at how well each birth control method works. Hormonal methods and IUDs work very well. Barrier methods such as condoms, diaphragms, and spermicides are only moderately effective. Fertility awareness is even less effective.
Be honest about how much effort you are willing to put into birth control. To be effective, birth control pills require you to take a pill every day. Barrier methods have to be used before sex. Fertility awareness requires that you watch your temperature and other signs closely. You must also avoid sex on days when you could get pregnant. If you are not willing to put in the effort, choose another method of birth control.
Consider how comfortable you feel about using a particular method of birth control. If you are not comfortable with or might not consistently use a birth control method for any reason, that method is not likely to be reliable for you in the long run. Asking yourself these questions can help you decide which birth control method is right for you.
How can I prevent sexually transmitted diseases?
Unless you know that your partner has no other sex partners and is free of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), you are at risk for STD infection. If you are at risk, protect yourself from infection every time you have sex. Use a condom in addition to any other birth control method you choose.
You can choose between a male or female condom to reduce your risk for HIV (the virus that causes AIDS), gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, genital warts, herpes, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), and other infections.
What health factors could limit my choice of birth control?
If you have health problems or other risk factors, some birth control methods may not be right for you.
Smoking. If you smoke more than 15 cigarettes a day and are 35 or older or have high blood pressure, a history of stroke, a history of blood clots, liver disease, or heart disease, you may not be able to use combined hormonal methods.
Migraines. If you have migraine headaches, talk to your health professional about whether you can try combined hormonal contraception.
Diabetes. If you have advanced or long-standing diabetes, discuss the risks of taking hormonal birth control methods with your health professional.
Breast-feeding. If you are breast-feeding, the estrogen in combined hormonal birth control can lower your milk supply. Progestin-only pills, an implant, both kinds of IUDs, or birth control shots do not affect your milk supply and are a good option for breast-feeding women.
Other health problems that might keep you from using a particular birth control method are relatively rare, especially in young women. Compare the recommendations for and against certain hormonal birth control methods. But before using any method, talk with your health professional to see if it is safe for you.
What are some other considerations in choosing a birth control method?
Other things to consider when choosing a method of birth control include:
Health benefits, such as decreased risk for sexually transmitted diseases with condoms and reduced risk of ovarian cancer and uterine cancer with use of birth control pills for one year or longer.
Convenience and ease of use. Birth control forms such as patches, shots, implants, IUDs, and vaginal rings are convenient for women who have trouble remembering to take a daily pill or couples who know they won't use a barrier method every time they have sex.
Cost. Over time, the higher one-time cost of IUD insertion or sterilization surgery may be less than the continued costs of buying pills or condoms and spermicide.
If you are planning to become pregnant in the future. It is best to have a full menstrual cycle before you try to conceive. The amount of time it takes for a woman's full fertility to return after stopping birth control varies for each woman and depends on the birth control method she is using.
Birth control methods work the same for people of all ages. But some methods are not recommended for sexually active teenagers or women over 35 who smoke. This can be because of health reasons or poor pregnancy prevention if the method is not used every time. Thinking about the pros and cons of birth control methods will help you choose the one that is best for you:
After you have looked at the facts about the different methods and thought about your own values and needs, you can choose the method that will work best for you. Using condoms with any method may increase its reliability and helps to protect you from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
Are you interested in what others decided to do? Many people have faced this decision. These personal stories may help you decide.
Might I want to have a biological child in the future?
One of your first considerations might be to determine whether you want permanent or temporary birth control. In other words, you should consider whether you want to conceive any (or more) children. This is a decision that will affect the rest of your life and can be made only after thinking it through carefully.
Recommended Related to Birth Control
Long-Term Birth Control: New Implants and Patches
Birth control pills aren't for everyone. If you've forgotten your pills too many times -- or can't take them -- there are plenty of options. The birth control patch (Ortho Evra), vaginal ring (NuvaRing), and three types of birth control implants (Mirena, Implanon, and Essure) offer long-term birth control that is virtually hassle-free for months, years, or forever. If pregnancy is still a future possibility for you, make your choice carefully. With Ortho Evra, NuvaRing, and Mirena, fertility...
Read the Long-Term Birth Control: New Implants and Patches article > >
If you know that you will not ever want to conceive a pregnancy, tubal ligation or tubal implants for you or a vasectomy for your partner is a reasonable option to consider.
If you are not sure about the future even though you know how you feel now, a temporary method is a better choice. If you are young, have few or no children, are choosing sterilization because your partner wants it, or think it will solve money or relationship problems, you may regret your decision later.
How would an unplanned pregnancy affect my life?
If an unplanned pregnancy would seriously impact your plans for the future, choose a birth control method that is highly effective. Or if you have a stable relationship and income and plan to have children in the future anyway, you may feel comfortable using a less reliable method.
How effective are different types of birth control?
Consider how important it is to you to avoid pregnancy, and then look at how well each birth control method works. Hormonal methods and IUDs work very well. Barrier methods such as condoms, diaphragms, and spermicides are only moderately effective. Fertility awareness is even less effective.
Be honest about how much effort you are willing to put into birth control. To be effective, birth control pills require you to take a pill every day. Barrier methods have to be used before sex. Fertility awareness requires that you watch your temperature and other signs closely. You must also avoid sex on days when you could get pregnant. If you are not willing to put in the effort, choose another method of birth control.
Consider how comfortable you feel about using a particular method of birth control. If you are not comfortable with or might not consistently use a birth control method for any reason, that method is not likely to be reliable for you in the long run. Asking yourself these questions can help you decide which birth control method is right for you.
How can I prevent sexually transmitted diseases?
Unless you know that your partner has no other sex partners and is free of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), you are at risk for STD infection. If you are at risk, protect yourself from infection every time you have sex. Use a condom in addition to any other birth control method you choose.
You can choose between a male or female condom to reduce your risk for HIV (the virus that causes AIDS), gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, genital warts, herpes, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), and other infections.
What health factors could limit my choice of birth control?
If you have health problems or other risk factors, some birth control methods may not be right for you.
Smoking. If you smoke more than 15 cigarettes a day and are 35 or older or have high blood pressure, a history of stroke, a history of blood clots, liver disease, or heart disease, you may not be able to use combined hormonal methods.
Migraines. If you have migraine headaches, talk to your health professional about whether you can try combined hormonal contraception.
Diabetes. If you have advanced or long-standing diabetes, discuss the risks of taking hormonal birth control methods with your health professional.
Breast-feeding. If you are breast-feeding, the estrogen in combined hormonal birth control can lower your milk supply. Progestin-only pills, an implant, both kinds of IUDs, or birth control shots do not affect your milk supply and are a good option for breast-feeding women.
Other health problems that might keep you from using a particular birth control method are relatively rare, especially in young women. Compare the recommendations for and against certain hormonal birth control methods. But before using any method, talk with your health professional to see if it is safe for you.
What are some other considerations in choosing a birth control method?
Other things to consider when choosing a method of birth control include:
Health benefits, such as decreased risk for sexually transmitted diseases with condoms and reduced risk of ovarian cancer and uterine cancer with use of birth control pills for one year or longer.
Convenience and ease of use. Birth control forms such as patches, shots, implants, IUDs, and vaginal rings are convenient for women who have trouble remembering to take a daily pill or couples who know they won't use a barrier method every time they have sex.
Cost. Over time, the higher one-time cost of IUD insertion or sterilization surgery may be less than the continued costs of buying pills or condoms and spermicide.
If you are planning to become pregnant in the future. It is best to have a full menstrual cycle before you try to conceive. The amount of time it takes for a woman's full fertility to return after stopping birth control varies for each woman and depends on the birth control method she is using.
Birth control methods work the same for people of all ages. But some methods are not recommended for sexually active teenagers or women over 35 who smoke. This can be because of health reasons or poor pregnancy prevention if the method is not used every time. Thinking about the pros and cons of birth control methods will help you choose the one that is best for you:
After you have looked at the facts about the different methods and thought about your own values and needs, you can choose the method that will work best for you. Using condoms with any method may increase its reliability and helps to protect you from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
Are you interested in what others decided to do? Many people have faced this decision. These personal stories may help you decide.
how to maintain relationships with a variety of methods
It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.
Marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround, says that in spite of the fact that every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage them and keep their love life going. They gain success in marriage by hanging in there, tackling problems, and learning how to maneuver through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.
Recommended Related to Sex & Relationships
Sleeping with the Boss
By Monique El-FaizyCall it the Letterman Effect: Monique El-Faizy explores the darker side of having an affair with the guy in the corner office.
Read the Sleeping with the Boss article > >
Relationship Problem: Communication
All relationship problems stem from poor communication skills, according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section," she says.
Problem-solving strategies:
Make an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
Set up some rules -- like not interrupting until the other is through or banning phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ...."
Use body language to show you are listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you, he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.
Relationship Problem: Sex
Even partners who love each other can be incompatible sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education compounds these problems. Yet, having sex is one of the last things you should be giving up, Fay says. "Sex," she says, "brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."
Problem-solving strategies:
Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says, adding that mixing things up a bit can increase your sexual enjoyment as well. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Sex by the fire? Sex standing up in the hallway?
California psychotherapist Allison Cohen suggests learning what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal "Sexy List." Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.
If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.
Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.
Problem-solving strategies:
Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is simply unrealistic.
Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.
Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.
Don't blame.
Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.
Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals too.
Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.
Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores
Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job. So it's important to fairly divide the labor at home, says Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart.
Problem-solving strategies:
Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home, Kouffman-Sherman says. "Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what." Be fair: Make sure each partner's tasks are equitable so no resentment builds.
Be open to other solutions, Koufmann-Sherman says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account -- as long as it feels fair to both of you.
Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority
If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do." Karen Sherman, author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last says, "Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority."
Problem-solving strategies:
Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Make gestures of appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate ...." It lets your partner know that he or she matters.
Occasional conflict is an inevitable part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you are starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day, it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can reduce the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.
Problem-solving strategies:
Conflict resolution skills can help you and your partner learn to argue in a more constructive manner, says Silverman. Make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.
Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.
Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments directed toward resolution, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
Change it up. If you continue to respond in the same way that has brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.
"You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."
Relationship Problem: Trust
Trust is an essential part of a relationship. Are there certain behaviors that are causing you not to trust your partner, or do you have unresolved issues that are hindering you from trusting others?
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, Fay says.
Be consistent.
Be on time.
Do what you say you will do.
Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
Be fair, even in an argument.
Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.
Call when you say you will.
Call to say you'll be home late.
Carry your fair share of the workload.
Don't overreact when things go wrong.
Never say things you can't take back.
Don't dig up old wounds.
Respect your partner's boundaries.
Don’t be jealous.
Be a good listener.
Despite the fact there are always going to be problems in a relationship, Sherman says there are things you can both do to minimize marriage problems if not avoid them altogether.
Marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround, says that in spite of the fact that every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage them and keep their love life going. They gain success in marriage by hanging in there, tackling problems, and learning how to maneuver through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.
Recommended Related to Sex & Relationships
Sleeping with the Boss
By Monique El-FaizyCall it the Letterman Effect: Monique El-Faizy explores the darker side of having an affair with the guy in the corner office.
Read the Sleeping with the Boss article > >
Relationship Problem: Communication
All relationship problems stem from poor communication skills, according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section," she says.
Problem-solving strategies:
Make an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
Set up some rules -- like not interrupting until the other is through or banning phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ...."
Use body language to show you are listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you, he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.
Relationship Problem: Sex
Even partners who love each other can be incompatible sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education compounds these problems. Yet, having sex is one of the last things you should be giving up, Fay says. "Sex," she says, "brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."
Problem-solving strategies:
Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says, adding that mixing things up a bit can increase your sexual enjoyment as well. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Sex by the fire? Sex standing up in the hallway?
California psychotherapist Allison Cohen suggests learning what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal "Sexy List." Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.
If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.
Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.
Problem-solving strategies:
Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is simply unrealistic.
Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.
Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.
Don't blame.
Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.
Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals too.
Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.
Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores
Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job. So it's important to fairly divide the labor at home, says Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart.
Problem-solving strategies:
Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home, Kouffman-Sherman says. "Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what." Be fair: Make sure each partner's tasks are equitable so no resentment builds.
Be open to other solutions, Koufmann-Sherman says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account -- as long as it feels fair to both of you.
Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority
If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do." Karen Sherman, author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last says, "Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority."
Problem-solving strategies:
Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Make gestures of appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate ...." It lets your partner know that he or she matters.
Occasional conflict is an inevitable part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you are starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day, it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can reduce the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.
Problem-solving strategies:
Conflict resolution skills can help you and your partner learn to argue in a more constructive manner, says Silverman. Make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.
Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.
Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments directed toward resolution, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
Change it up. If you continue to respond in the same way that has brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.
"You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."
Relationship Problem: Trust
Trust is an essential part of a relationship. Are there certain behaviors that are causing you not to trust your partner, or do you have unresolved issues that are hindering you from trusting others?
Problem-solving strategies:
You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, Fay says.
Be consistent.
Be on time.
Do what you say you will do.
Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
Be fair, even in an argument.
Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.
Call when you say you will.
Call to say you'll be home late.
Carry your fair share of the workload.
Don't overreact when things go wrong.
Never say things you can't take back.
Don't dig up old wounds.
Respect your partner's boundaries.
Don’t be jealous.
Be a good listener.
Despite the fact there are always going to be problems in a relationship, Sherman says there are things you can both do to minimize marriage problems if not avoid them altogether.
How to improve your Marriage and avoid Relationship Boredom
Effects of Boredom in Relationships
Adaptor :: jQuery content slider
Someone has rightly said ‘Marriage is a two way street and it takes the efforts of both the partners to make it work’. Unfortunately, many who take their time in finding a partner or entering a relationship do not put much efforts to save it when it comes to maintaining the relationship. After the initial excitement is over most relationship goes stale making the partners to seek the solution in marital infidelity or divorce. This is because after some time after marriage or living relationship the priorities of one or both of the partners tends to shift into children, job responsibilities money etc and as a result they tend to neglect the partner or take the partner for granted enabling boredom to creep in the relationship. If you want to maintain your marriage or relationship it is essential that you should put efforts to save it before it is too late.
Given below are tips for improving Marriage and avoiding Relationship Boredom among couples.
Improving your marriage need not necessarily involve huge changes but even the cumulative effect of small changes can make a significant difference in the quality of a relationship. Here are some Tips for improving Marriage and avoiding relationship boredom.
1) Improve your Communication: A healthy communication between partners is essential to maintain a good relationship. Take the time out to talk to your partner on a daily basis even if it is across the breakfast table or a late night dinner together. The daily communication can help to gain a better understanding of your partner. Try being an observer and a listener when your partner speaks and do not dominate the conversation by not allowing your spouse time to speak.
2) Take Care of your Appearance: Most Couples become lazy or uncared about their looks once they enter matrimony. Make sure you dress properly, eat healthy and do exercise regularly to stay fit.
3) Spice up your Sex Life: Most women find their men selfish when it comes to their own sexual needs. By taking your time to understand what your partner wants in bed and fulfilling them or trying out new thing with them you also ensure that your spouse would not cheat. Never reach a stage where you are not touching each other. Most women loved to be especially hugged or kissed by the partner even when they are not physically intimate with their partner. According to a study done by the Doctors at the University of North Carolina, hugging boosts blood levels of Oxytocin which is a relaxing hormone that is linked to trust.
4) Add Romance to your Life: Schedule regular dates with your spouse even if it is going out for a movie or play, or taking a walk at the beach or go dancing or having food together at a local restaurant. The idea is spending time together. Every day life can get so bogged down with details, work and loose ends that fun and romance can easily become buried and neglected. So make time for you and your spouse to go for vacations and spend time together doing something you both enjoy.
5) Add and element of Surprise: Predictability in relationships can create marital boredom. It is very important that you use words and actions to convey that your spouse is valued and treasured. Women especially who leave their own family to join her husband after marriage get hurt their mate never remembers a Birthday or an Anniversary and may even feel that her relationship is worthless. Women are also highly emotional and buying them gifts for special occasions or even without a reason can earn their loyalty towards spouse. However, try not to be predictable about what you do to surprise her or what gift you would get for her.
6) Give Respect and Take Respect: What you give is what you get. If you expect your spouse to respect you make sure that you show respect when you are talking to your spouse and also in front of others. Treating your partner like dirt, rolling your eyes when talking or using bad words would not help you gain respect. Never neglect a spouse which is a sign of lack of respect for the person.
7) Take the television out of the Bedroom: The Television in the bedroom can kill romance and sex between partners. Late night TV watching can become a habit which translates to less sex or intimacy between partners which can ruin a marriage. So taking the TV out of the bedroom is a great idea. Feng shui for Romance also suggests this.
8) Celebrate Special Days and Events together: Do you have some special days which means a lot to you and your partner? This can be Birthdays, Anniversary, Valentines or any other dates that have significant meaning or cause for celebration. Make sure you record these days in a personal calendar or organizer so that you won’t forget and make plans to celebrate in advance. You can also celebrate festivals or events like Christmas, Easter or even a New Year Day.
9) Smile Often and not frown: Smiling is contagious and is a very good habit to develop. Smiling helps to build connections so make sure you carry a genuine smile that can warm the heart and make you more attractive to your spouse.
Life is short and one should not spend it keeping grudges or wasting without enjoying it. Do not take your partner for granted but take every opportunity to celebrate your relationship. The tips listed above are small but definitely worth trying if you want to save your relationship, improve your Marriage by avoiding boredom and do not want it heading to marital infidelity or Divorce.
More Articles
Relationships and Dating Articles
Articles covering Dating Advice,Relationship Tips, love, marriage, divorce,good parenting, friendship, infidelity etc.
How to Impress a Girl The Right Way
There are several Men who complain that women do not notice them or their dates do not turn into serious relationships. In a drive to impress women many guys act unnatural and look like fools or superficial which can be a major turn off for women.
How To Chase A Guy Away From You
If you are wondering how to chase a Boyfriend or any Guy you dont love away from your life here are 10 things which may work if you want to chase the Guy away from you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
